You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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