So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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