What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
