dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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