Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
