We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
