My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
