Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
