you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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