so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
