It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
