I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
