Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
