no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
