Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize