im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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