So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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