I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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