I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
