ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
