i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Please, let me fuck your mom
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The beer is more important than you right now.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
