ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
