im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
