Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
