Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
