This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
