Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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