Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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