I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
