don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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