i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
