I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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