I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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