My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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