so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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