Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
