I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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