you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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