My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
