Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
