Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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