oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
