im drinking this country out of the recession.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
