I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
