I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
