if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
