If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
