Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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