Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
