the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
