Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
