Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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