woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
