Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
