When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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