I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
foreskin is a definite game changer
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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