I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
