I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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