my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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