Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
