Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
So squirting runs in the family.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
