You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
