Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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