Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
