ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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