I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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