I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
His nipple licking is glorious
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