Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
