When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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